since i fell sick last weekend, i did a lot of thinking. a lot of things just came to my mind. now i am still sick and the thing is my medicine from the doctor finished liao still haben recover.. now i feel so sian. there are things i want to do but cant. eating medicine made me drowsy. now i got that super pale look. flu, sore throat, fever, block nose and stress can really take the colour off a person. my body is weak. oh no.

my.. i feel unwanted. but why. i do not know. well maybe is the fact that so many people around me are getting attached. they got people in mind. got people to talk to when they are down, got people to cheer them. well i have none of this. and seriously i got no one in mind right now too. okay maybe unwanted is not appropriate. i got family love, friendship but i just lack a thing i crave for the most is to be loved by someone. but it isnt happening. just unloved.

i think i have changed a lot. physically and mentally.

i am no longer physically fit like i was in secondary sch. i got a serious health problem to tackle with.

my thinking changed alot. after reading the bible and joining the SC, i understood alot of things.. the bible sooth my mind whenever i read it. i dun know why too. in SC i have the chance to prove my worth to a lot of people. i can contribute on a big scale and can organise lots of event on a big scale. i liek this kind of life. and with this it made my thinking different. i no longer contend with short terms views. i set for myself long term plans and i make sure i achieve it. i have what i want in the future in mind and i will go for it. i know what i want in such aspect but for love relationship i seriously is at a crossroad. so far love is a danger to me. cos it hurted me. now i dun dare think of it though i crave for it.. so sian. actually i duno how to describe why i feel i have changed.. i just dunno.

and one thing for sure.. the tarot readings so far proved to be accurate.  they were spot on for everything lar.. it is so fascinating.

thoughts made me sad. someone please talk to mem counsel me. before i become a full blown pessimist