wed thurs fri sat sun mon..oh my i have been stoning for the past 6 days..ahh..songfest took away my concentration..now i cant mug..need to get the momemtum going again..and the Z monster attacked me..made me so sleepy these few days..and cough monster coming back le..i am coughing again..only saw the doctor two weeks ago and the cough went away and now it came back..sian man..eat medicine means drowsy..den will sleep..sian..just stoning..

and i am still worried about this little gal..things aint going on smoothly for her..

well i cant figure out what i really want now..i really dunno..got weird taste i guess..but then forget it..nothing will happen..really..because it just a crush mah..like how she does things..her assertiveness..well i am weird lar..

i din know a little gesture could lead to such guessing game..wow..so fast wanna guess le huh guys..please such things i dun even know myself..

no one in mind at the moment..

and gal be strong..still have me behind you all e way..dun cry anymore..forget everything..

since i fell sick last weekend, i did a lot of thinking. a lot of things just came to my mind. now i am still sick and the thing is my medicine from the doctor finished liao still haben recover.. now i feel so sian. there are things i want to do but cant. eating medicine made me drowsy. now i got that super pale look. flu, sore throat, fever, block nose and stress can really take the colour off a person. my body is weak. oh no.

my.. i feel unwanted. but why. i do not know. well maybe is the fact that so many people around me are getting attached. they got people in mind. got people to talk to when they are down, got people to cheer them. well i have none of this. and seriously i got no one in mind right now too. okay maybe unwanted is not appropriate. i got family love, friendship but i just lack a thing i crave for the most is to be loved by someone. but it isnt happening. just unloved.

i think i have changed a lot. physically and mentally.

i am no longer physically fit like i was in secondary sch. i got a serious health problem to tackle with.

my thinking changed alot. after reading the bible and joining the SC, i understood alot of things.. the bible sooth my mind whenever i read it. i dun know why too. in SC i have the chance to prove my worth to a lot of people. i can contribute on a big scale and can organise lots of event on a big scale. i liek this kind of life. and with this it made my thinking different. i no longer contend with short terms views. i set for myself long term plans and i make sure i achieve it. i have what i want in the future in mind and i will go for it. i know what i want in such aspect but for love relationship i seriously is at a crossroad. so far love is a danger to me. cos it hurted me. now i dun dare think of it though i crave for it.. so sian. actually i duno how to describe why i feel i have changed.. i just dunno.

and one thing for sure.. the tarot readings so far proved to be accurate.  they were spot on for everything lar.. it is so fascinating.

thoughts made me sad. someone please talk to mem counsel me. before i become a full blown pessimist

well got back e pw results..got a seriously disappointing band 3..it really sucks okay..when you see other slackers getting better grades than you by just slacking..how to tolerate such nonsense given by the ever changing moe..i am lazy to blog about it anyway not in the mood for it..but at least sumthing made me brighten up a little lar..but still it still a black gloomy sunday..

my fiery comments about the stupid moe and its policies..

one which i sent to the ST forum..sadly it din came out..because no one dares to oppose the govt..ST doesnt dare to comment too much about the govt..talk about freedom of speech and meritocracy..all nothing but empty talks..

today test..so careless..wrote the wrong probability..got it wrong for second half of the questions..i only have myself to blame..who tell me to get sick the day before and having such headaches..complacency setting in..well now its chem again..the previous test was a screwed up too..din study periodicity at all..and 2 questions to be done in 4 minutes..how to get correctly answered..sianz..and with so many council events coming up..guess i gonna die..other ppl have syf..i haf my own sch events to handle..ppl think that i am so relax so free..but obviously they din know what i did behind the scene..its not that i try to take credit for what i do..but its like u do so much and u hear other ppl say what a slacker u are..jus becos i dun haf a cca that stretches to well 8pm..pls..that is why i tried to suggest council transparency to the sch..well pls note..every event when we get to it..we will be damn busy..try staying back til 10 pm for every rehearsals..attending countless of meeting and making countless of amendment to your proposal just make u sick..and why..its becos we do not haf a very supportive and encouraging student body..does it make it my fault..now we have dancefest..a supposedly not our event but thrown to us by the ever lame principal..obviously dance club doesnt have the initiative to go and get logistics things done with the av crew..which means i have to poke myself into this matter as a council technical officer..songfest..logistical stuff all under me..i did my part, just waiting for response..the sch encourages the online msging system..but seems to me nothing gets replied..den its LTC..i am the AIC to this event..which means i am doing most of the overseeing and giving my two cents worth of opinion and hope to improve our ideas to make this camp a good one..who say i am not busy..class matters..all i have been taking charge..even cip..actually class matters i dont really bother..cos not many actually bothers about what the sch is doing anyway..and now Science D..being a nominated leader by the NE comm..i been ask to initiate invlovement of students in JC dialogue session happening in just a few weeks time..and next week is Friendship Week..more rubbish to be put up for show which not really alot of ppl bother about..overall i am just plain busy..plain busy..and pls if u dont have eyes to see for what i did behind the scene..pls keep ur mouth shut..just shut..no one will say if you are dumb if u dun open ur mouth..i will be super busy when all of u arent anymore..and u know what..5 hours of sleep is not enuff..my day just evolve round sch,work and revision..revision that i make a point to do it..who ask me not to be academically inclined..need to work harder than the rest..and expecting too much from myself doesnt helps..no point saying so much..i wonder how many ppl actually is reading my blog oso..

Quote: Stop perfection. Aim for improvement.

okay..i admit other than organic chem, i think i really dun understand real well the others..

rate of reaction: my results..i understood..know how to get the perfect answers..

ionic equilibria(up to acid dissociation constant): my results..i understood..know how to give correct answers..lack some perfection..

chemical equilibria: my results..only 70%..i fell to Le Chantelier!!damn..so confusing..must blmae myself for being distracted by personal matters during the stupid chem lecture..

Periodicity: my results..haben touch..but i can understand abit..

so..my chem still need to buck up..i aim for an A..but will i get it?

why memories keep coming back..please no more..its studies right now..

why..

i think i cant look at you..cos your looks just linger in my mind..

this will just distract me..

like u did today to me..

a look ends up with more peeps..

sian..

econs..haben really study it for weeks..can only afford to remember 30 % of it..damn..

why..my soul's taken away by a look..

well long time never blog liao..its been 2 weeks i guessed..these two weeks i am so dead..really tired out by the term..study..trying to make an effort to get my maths grades sorted out..its so tiring..damn tiring..been waiting for these days of rest..but guess wad i gotta go sch on monday..for a meeting..and to help my dear interns sort out some logistics problem..wad the hell..i thot councilors not involved in anything..now i am involved..sian..these 2 weeks found a cheap thrill..the scratch cards..haha so funny when u scratch the cards to see if u win..the moment was very funny..u nvr see our actions..damn funny..budden..its liek spending unnecessary money..so next time wun be buying so much..maybe once a month liao..happy once in a while is enuff..finally saw sum improvement in maths..got an average of 60 for this term tests..hope can improve..and i gonna buy the maths tys with no answers to do..gonna finish the whole book..chem too..the only thing is econs..how to tackle it with near perfect answers given my writing speed..given and hour i am only able to finish 3 parts of the case study leaving one undone..oh no..

well..ever since someone broke my heart sumtime ago..i thot she wun say hi to me again..but this week's tuesday guess it was fate..i was going to my class for civics when i saw her with huiling..i tried to walk fast without making eye contact with her..but she said hi..i waved back and walked even faster..felt sum relief..but things aint so simple in my eyes..one time i hope i wun see her the next time i hope to see her..and today fate played up on me again..even in the west..shopping with eugene and weiliang for sports stuff..saw her in the same shop..side by side lor..wah stunned at that moment..mouthed a word hi to her..well have we come to this standard of just saying hi and bye..haiz..so sian..and next time if u wanna go queensway..go the arcade there and play the coin game..damn addictive..haha..

its getting close to end of term 1..so far 8 weeks plus had passed..and you know what..my life's in a mess..just couldnt believe it..8 weeks into 2005 and i am faced with mess..

its only the start of a new year..and i am feeling burnt out..why..its so freaking fast..felt so tired everyday..just yearning to have more sleep everyday..since the start of the year..talking about proper rest for my brain..thats bullshit..thanks to the 5 day work week..my week for me had become a 7 day work week..5 days in school..sat and sunday to finish up 1 week's homework and do some revision on what had been taught so far(to say its read on my own and understand what lectures are teaching now,its too fast for my liking.) this year isnt like last year..what happened..no actually its the same..i just burn out too quickly..and i hope for the hols to come, den i can sleep the full day..24 hrs sleep..that will be good rest for my brain..and hols..revisions for me..especially my maths and econs..maths for now i still can do..but last year's stuff..its hopeless..econs..i dun realli understand how to read and answer the DRQ/case study..see them will stone..oh no..i better get my hands on the stupid tys..hope its guides are useful..

and studies aside..my love life been in a total mess too..maybe love isnt the word to use since i not been on a relationship before..well..end of last year was one mess which drag on to this year..luckily its been cleared up..and now everything is perfectly fine between the both of us..well before the mess totally subsided..i created another mess for myself..i fell for someone..real shocking to me..because i din expect things to go so fast..nvr mind that..its the same case all over..its another one sided love..so things went fast and end pretty fast..things aint the same again..and why..because the root of the problem had not been solved..just felt that i expected more from it..budden..its always like that..everytime such a thing happen..the people involved seems to be not on talking terms anymore..why?a decision was made..den everything should be fine again..just take it as nothing had happen..coool for both parties right..you wish..there is always something that always linger behind after such things happen..and this sumthing will just stay and not go away..the silence between the both of us is now so hurting..does this signal the end of our "yuan fen"?i really wish i can read ppl's mind..and i hate myself now..why am i still hanging on and refusing to let go..damn..

well i love my class right now..now all of us seem to be so close to each other..a little too late though..but good things come late..well i am enjoying the time now..hope it can last long enuff oso..everyone is so fun loving now..maybe CNY helped us lots..everyone is crazy about gambling..haha..blackjacks..mahjong..all addicted liao..of course the indian poker that really is so damn funny..so fun right now..

maybe what i need now is really fun friends to be around me..maybe love is not what i need now..feel real happy with friends right now..while talking about love so far..its just been one sided i guess..its just me lar..love really hurts..and to try it 2 times in a row..that kind of feeling is not that good..disappointed and sad..but friends they area different..brought me lots of laughters..and fun..maybe the time table now is real good for us to interact..talk cock and play play alot now during our free periods..

maybe i am trying to bluff myself that i need friends and not love..maybe i am realli trying to bluff myself..i dunno..maybe its the truth..lets just hope everything will turn out fine..

and please..dun 'dao' me leh..at least give a little smile or call my name?so that i know u still remembered me..